New mom guide

Six sanity saving ideas for parents of newborn babies, from getting help and support to establishing a sleep routine.



You’ve puffed, panted, pushed, and perhaps even let out a shriek or two. Now the newest member of your family is finally here, more beautiful than you might ever have imagined. Take a second to enjoy it, because you're about to get caught up in the whirlwind of new parenthood. Before you know it, the nurses will have given you a crash course in newborn care, wished you luck, and whisked you out of the hospital and into the beginning of your life as a mother.



Suddenly you realize that, although you spent weeks preparing for labor and delivery, there was scant to no preparation for the many life changes that accompany the appearance of that much-anticipated baby. Although people mentioned that you'd be sore and sleep-deprived, no one really told you anything else about what life with a newborn is like. They didn't warn you about the occasional hours of nonstop crying. They also didn't mention the indescribable joy of seeing that precious little one asleep in the crib, thumb in mouth, tiny bottom sticking up in the air. There's no parenthood orientation, no job description—it's just you, your partner, and baby, all hanging in there as best you can and taking it hour by hour, day by day.



Don’t be concerned if you don't feel an instantaneous connection with your baby. Dr. Samuel J. Meisels, President of the Board of Zero to Three, a national organization for infants, toddlers, children and families, says bonding doesn't always take place in the immediate post-partum period. Especially if there’s been a difficult delivery or if Mom and baby are separated immediately after birth; it may take some time for parents to feel the kind of love that we expect to experience right away. “Don't worry if there isn't that ecstatic moment after birth,” he says. “You will still attach to your child and develop a loving relationship.”



The transition from not-parent to parent is a huge one, agrees Rebecca Shahmoon Shanok MSW, PhD, Founding Director of the Institute for Infants, Children, and Families, which is part of the Jewish Board of Family and Children Services in New York City.



“It's important to recognize that you are not going to be a perfect mother," she says. “You and your spouse will be cranky and tired at times—it just goes with the territory. You have completely new responsibilities, and holding that fragile-looking infant makes it obvious just how much your baby needs you. It takes time to grow into your new role, to really feel like a parent. It may take six months or even a year,” she explains, adding that, “You need to tell yourself, ‘I may not yet feel like a parent but I will develop my capacity to be a good mother by doing what needs to be done, by getting to know my baby, developing a daily routine and allowing myself to grow into my new role at my own pace.’”

Here are six sanity-saving tips, from parents and experts, to help you get through those challenging days of living with a newborn in the house.

Make sure you have an adequate support system, says New York City mother and pediatric nurse Alicia Schlesinger, RN. Particularly when you first return home, it's important to have someone not only to provide emotional support but also to help with infant care, cleaning, cooking, errands, and laundry. This support person may be a spouse, mother, mother-in-law, sister, doula, housekeeper, or baby nurse. Allow people to bring you nutritious meals or to care for your infant for an hour or two while you take a nap. Once your baby is a bit older, it may be helpful to join a new-mothers group where you can share your experiences, questions, and concerns with others who are in the thick of it with you.
Choose to ignore people who tell you that you can spoil newborns by picking them up every time they cry. Infants cry for a variety of reasons ranging from hunger to discomfort to the need to be held. For babies to develop a sense of security and basic trust they must know that Mom or Dad will consistently respond to their needs. When the child is a bit older, parents can use their voices to comfort the baby, but in early infancy touch is of paramount importance. Walking around with your infant in a Snugli or doing infant massage are wonderful ways to help your baby feel nurtured and soothed.
Lower your expectations of what you can accomplish in a day, advises Dr. Meisels. Caring for a newborn requires an enormous amount of time and attention—holding and cuddling, stroking and burping, changing and feeding. Until you get organized and your baby falls into some sort of routine, it may be difficult to find time for household chores or cooking. Give yourself permission to cut corners, to use easily prepared foods, or to order in. Rest when your newborn is resting!
Start a bedtime routine as early as possible. This may include singing lullabies, reading books, or rocking in a rocking chair. Experts suggest putting infants down while they are drowsy but still awake, so they can begin to learn what it's like to drift off to sleep by themselves. Although you want the house to be relatively quiet, do not insist that everyone whisper and walk around on tiptoe. Babies need to learn to fall asleep with some normal background noise such as the TV playing in a nearby room.
Remember that other family members have needs, too. Because Dad may feel abandoned and jealous of Mom's new “love affair” with a newborn, Mom needs to spend some time listening to, laughing with, and enjoying her spouse, no matter how tired she feels. If there's a big brother or sister at home, be sure he or she gets plenty of affection too, and try to ensure that each parent enjoys some “alone time.” Encourage visitors to pay attention to the “big kids,” and keep a few small gifts on hand to dole out to older siblings in the event that visitors arrive with gifts for baby only.
Enjoy your newborn! Get into the habit of taking lots of photos. Infants change every week, and capturing every stage on film allows you to enjoy your baby's development, both now and in the future

A new mom’s guide to newborns, including tips on baby care, crying, swaddling, sleep methods, pacifiers and more.



When I was four-months pregnant, my husband accepted a new job on the other side of the country. I was terrified of leaving my family and friends and proceeded to buy every highly recommended baby book I could find. I pored over these books, highlighter in hand, hoping to find all the answers to pregnancy, parenting and baby care. After birth, my newborn immediately became the guinea pig for the countless techniques I had learned. But once my daughter was squirming and wailing in my arms at 4 AM, I realized some of the methods I read were more effective than others. The following are practical, time-tested methods that often work for real-world parents, such as swaddling, establishing sleep routines and using pacifiers. Think of this article as the Cliffs Notes to baby care.




Try swaddling your baby for better sleep.
Swaddling is comforting to many newborns because it reminds them of being inside the womb. “Swaddling is a helpful tool, but it is not universal,” explains Dr. Gregory Germain, MD, a pediatrician at Yale-New Haven Children's Hospital in Connecticut. “Some babies are truly comforted by a tight swaddle, and some babies are irritated by a tight swaddle and do better with their hands free,” he explains.



If you decide to swaddle your baby, be sure he isn’t getting overheated. “At night, over-bundling has been questionably linked to SIDS (via overheating),” says Dr. Karen Sadler, MD, a pediatrician in Boston, Massachusetts. “In general, infants should be clothed in whatever adults need to be comfortable, plus one thin layer.” If your baby feels sweaty or hot in his blanket, try dressing him in nothing but a diaper before swaddling him. If he still feels hot, stop swaddling altogether.




Spoil away!
During the first few months of your child's life, there's no such thing as giving too much tender love and care. “Babies need to know that you are there when they are distressed,” says Dr. Germain. “Going to a crying young infant and comforting them is never a bad thing.” While it’s important to let your baby know you're there for her, it is OK to occasionally let her cry for a minute or two. “If your baby is crying and you're in the middle of a load of wash, there is no harm in letting your baby cry for a while as you’re finishing your other life duties,” Dr. Germain assures.




Develop a consistent bedtime routine.
Setting a consistent nighttime routine—such as a warm bath and bedtime story—can be a helpful sleep trigger for your baby. It may not work right away, but after a couple of weeks your child will likely fall asleep easier and stay asleep longer. According to Dr. Robert Jacobson, MD, chairman and professor of pediatrics with the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, this bedtime routine should include creating a peaceful setting in the home. “As twilight comes and the house gets quieter, probably the most important thing in this modern age is to turn the TV off an hour before the baby is going to fall asleep,” he says, explaining that the TV tends to charge the air and keep babies awake.




Let the swing be your friend!
Some people worry that they’ll spoil their baby with a swing, but all bets are off for the first few months of life. If your baby refuses to nap in his crib during the day, but easily falls asleep in his swing, by all means let him swing to his little heart's content! Keep in mind, you should never leave your baby unattended or let him sleep in the swing through the night. “The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) warns that some infants might curl over in a seat and obstruct breathing,” explains Dr. Sadler. “In practice, I think if parents are awake and watching, and the child isn't small or premature, the swing is OK,” says Dr. Saddler, adding that swings are a good way to get colicky babies to sleep.

Turn down the monitor.
Turn your baby monitor down to the lowest volume or off altogether. And stop worrying—if you're in earshot of your baby’s room, you'll mostly likely hear her cries when she really needs you. “We can hear a baby crying without any technology from across the hall!” says Dr. Germain. “I think this is a parental comfort issue.” Dr. Sadler adds that the baby monitor is “better for older infants whose parents can then be out in the yard but still aware of when the baby awakens.”

Let Baby have a binky.
If your baby likes the pacifier, let him have it! “I think that about one-third of babies have massive physiologic drives to suck. They take to the pacifier and it is a great comfort to them,” says Dr. Germain. Another reason to let your little one have a pacifier: The AAP states that pacifiers may help to reduce the risk of SIDS. If you’re sold on your baby using a pacifier but she just won't take one, try different brands. Eventually you may find one that she likes.

Teach your baby the art of self-soothing.
Self-settling is an important developmental task that all babies need to learn, says Dr. Germain. “According to most experts, this should be attacked in the four- to six-month range.” There are many ways to teach your baby to soothe herself to sleep, and you’ll need to determine which method is right for you. Some of the techniques include letting your baby “cry it out” for increasing periods of time, hanging out in the nursery and patting her back until she falls asleep, or coming into the nursery every few minutes to show her you're still there. "Whether you are a Ferber, a Weissbluth, or another sleep specialist fan… this is a parental job which fosters good sleep habits for the rest of the child's years," says Dr. Germain.

Stop watching the clock.
Because we live in a time-driven society, many of us feel the need to put our newborns on a schedule; but Dr. Sadler says this parenting idea is outdated. "Newborns need to eat often and should determine that pattern," she explains. "By four months, most babies have settled into a rhythm and are sleeping through the night, so this is when to start [a schedule] for babies who haven't yet settled on their own." Dr. Germain adds, "Do you make a hungry baby wait two hours for his next feed to fit your schedule?" He explains that scheduling may work better for older babies. "Babies have a more organized eating and sleep schedule by six months, but many not until nine months of age."

Go with your gut.
Although there is a lot of helpful baby advice out there, no book can tell you what feels right when it comes to your baby. It all comes down to following your instincts—and every parent's instincts are a little different. If you try a new method—including some of the tips in this article—and it doesn't work for your baby or simply doesn't feel right to you, don't force it. In the end, mother (and father!) know best